Last Updated on 3/18/2010

Published on 5/13/2009
Written by Charlie Walker

Mt. Pleasant is known as the Plastic City. That’s why the upscale community across the Cooper River from the Holy City is spending $100,000 to create a better image and attract newcomers. The Mt. Pleasant City Council claims the city is pretentious.

In Greeleyville, they believe pretentious is the belly button on a butterfly. But the town council is planning to spend money to improve Clock Town’s image. The pearl of the coastal plain wants to issue bonds. The price will be two for a nickel.

The bonds will pay no interest and are due in 2050. The town expects to raise 39¢ with which they plan to buy a rabbit box to catch a rabbit that has been terrorizing Greeley-ville. The rabbit robbed the Bank of Greeleyville. His only weapon was a whistle. He told Bobby, “Put up your hands or I’ll toot.”

In Greeleyville it’s against the law to toot without a license. This law is on the books because travelers on Hwy. 52 believed everyone in Greeleyville was cooking collards. That’s why the only one authorized to dispense gas in Greeleyville is Mishoe Oil Co.

I believe a better idea to raise money would be to install parking meters all the way to Foreston, Santee Crossing and Salters Depot. During Flag Day they would make enough money to make a down payment on a taco.

Everyone has an image; Bonnie and Clyde, Jesse James, the Boston Strangler, King Kong. Even I have an image. Just remember if you can’t say something nice about somebody, don’t say anything at all!

It’s so quiet in Greeleyville, you can hear a boll weevil chewing on a bale of cotton. Greeleyville can save money by stealing the parking meters. Greeleyville has a number of citizens with a Ph.D. in finding things that haven’t been lost. They will steal a termite out of a 2x4. An Oliver once stole a bedbug out of a mattress.

We won’t reveal the Oliver’s first name, but he sells hot dogs that will make your appetite be born again. I don’t know how you baptize an appetite. I just write this stuff, I don’t explain it.

The pearl of the coastal plain is not bankrupt. Mayor Ger-man Glasscho can still afford to go to McDonald’s once a week for an Egg McMuffin. He’s eaten so many Egg McMuffins, a rooster in Lane proposed to him.

Mayor Glasscho turned the rooster down because he was a republican. The mayor says Washington will bail Greeleyville out of its misery. When the check arrives, the mayor will open a Pizza Hut and Victoria’s Secret and place a monument in the center of town.

It will be a tribute to the C.E. Murray football team, which won one game in 2008. In 2009 the town will give the football team the keys to the city after they change the lock.
The economy has dealt a crushing blow to the Greeleyville Pharmacy. Walter Rogan can’t afford peanuts in his Pepsi. Walter no longer can buy ice cream, but he will sell you a cone of Noxzema.

The mayor says if he don’t soon get a check from Barack Obama, he will be forced to put a tax on raindrops for falling without a license. Even the whiskey store is hurting. They haven’t sold a bottle of Jack Daniels or Crown Royal since there was only one tombstone at Cowhead Cemetery.

Things are so bad the police are handing out tickets outside the churches for praying too fast for conditions.

Wilder Bros. will give you a pillow to cry on when you buy a bedroom suite. Under their new installment plan you don’t have to pay anything until they find you. Have you ever tried to find someone who owes you money in Greeleyville? You have a better chance of striking oil on the Coleman Road.

Money is as scarce in Greeleyville as a pickup that’s paid for. But Washington won’t have to bail out the Bank of Greeleyville. They have money so old George Washington is sucking a pacifier on a dollar bill.

If you need money to open a Lexus dealership at Mt. Vernon, go see Bobby Jonte. Bobby is a benevolent cuss, he always uses diplomacy when he turns down a loan. Before you leave the bank, you will give Bobby a quarter so his family won’t starve.