Last Updated on 12/4/2008

Published on 8/21/2008

By Dr. Brad Morris

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a 4-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Many times we overlook the obvious. As in the above situation, most of us would have reacted like the mother. We would have felt that we needed to go and say something. The truth of the matter is that most of the time we do not feel that we have the right words to say ... so we don't go to the one who is hurting.

We are so tied up in our culture that we feel we must do something. I heard a phrase expressed years ago that sums this idea up: "Don't just sit there; do something, even if it is wrong!" We have been trained that if we are busy, we are worth something, but if we are "just sitting around" we are not. Maybe that concept arises out of the old adage "An idol mind is the devil's workshop." I don't know.

We have a hard time just being with people to "lend them our support." We feel like we must do something. But the best something that we can be doing is just be there. I know that as a minister, many times I am called upon to be with a family at the hospital while a loved one is undergoing surgery. I pray with the individual before surgery and then generally just sit with the family during the procedure. I learned long ago that just having the minister present means a lot to most families. It's not so much what I say as much as it is that I am there with them.

That's what this little 4-year-old did. He just went and sat with the elderly neighbor and experienced with that elderly man his pain and grief. He was just there with him. He "helped him cry."

Maybe that is our problem. We don't want to get so close to another person's sorrow or troubles because we feel those things as if they were our own. We want to show support for them, but it is a sanitized support relationship. It is one where we can "do something for them," but not "be someone to empathize with them," to feel their hurt to feel their pain, to experience their grief or sorrow. We want to remain aloof from that. We shouldn't.

The phone company tells us to reach out and touch someone by a phone call. Even that is impersonal, separated by space and distance with an artificially transmitted voice. Reach out and touch someone. Be there for them by being there with them. All of us know someone who is in need. They need a friend; be that friend.

We have everything refined down to an art in keeping us from becoming personally involved. We say, "If you need me, call me." We mean that to a degree, but we know that chances are good that the person will not ever call on us. You'll never know how much that means to them until someone does it for you. Don't tell them to call you; you take the initiative and call on them. Take the bull by the horns and just show up. Tell them "I have come to help any way that I can" and then offer, then and there, to do something specific, but if they are really hurting, words won't be necessary. Just hug them, hold them close for a moment and sit with them. Most of all, don't be afraid to cry with them.

The following story was taken from an Internet story which was possibly first written by John Schlatter in his book "Chicken Soup":

"One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid walking home after class. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying every book he owned. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all of those books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' Personally, I had a big weekend planned, so I shrugged him off and went my own way.

"I hadn't gone far when I saw a bunch of guys running toward the new kid. They shoved him down, knocking all of his books out of his arms and causing him to land face down in the dirt. His glasses went flying and landed about 10 feet away. He looked up and I could see tears in his eyes. I couldn't believe it. I jogged over to the kid to help him. I handed him his glasses and helped pick up his books. Then, I asked him where he lived. As it turned out, his home was only a couple of blocks from mine. So I helped him carry his books home and we visited along the way.

"I invited him to come over to my house and hang out that weekend. He turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Next Monday morning, I saw Kyle carrying that huge stack of books back to school.

"I said, 'You're gonna build some serious muscles carrying all those books.' He just laughed and handed me half of them. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. Kyle always made good grades, and when we would compare report cards I would jokingly accuse him of being a nerd.

"Kyle really found himself in high school. He grew out of the 90-pound weakling stage and became a normal-looking guy. He came out of his emotional shell and was well liked by everyone. At graduation, Kyle was the valedictorian of our class. On graduation day, he looked great, but I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So I patted him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll do fine!' He smiled and said, 'Thanks!'

"Later, as he started his speech, he said, 'Graduation is a time to thank those who have helped you make it through the tough years of growing up. It's a time to thank our parents, our teachers, our siblings, maybe a coach ... but mostly it's a time to thank our friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give. I am going to tell you a story.'

"I could not believe what Kyle said next, as he told the story of that first day we had met. He told how he had planned to commit suicide that weekend. He told about cleaning out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it. He told of what had happened on his way home as he was carrying all of that stuff from his locker. Then, Kyle said, 'Thankfully, I found a friend on my way home that day. That's what kept me from taking my life.'

"I heard a gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular young man told us all about his life's weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad glance at me with tears in their eyes. Not until that moment did I realize the depth of my actions four years previous. With one small gesture, a person's life had been saved. I believe God puts us all in each other's lives to encourage one another in some way."

We usually never know the full impact of our encouragement or of our failure to be an encourager. We need to use the opportunities for encouragement that God provides to each of us. We need to encourage one another.

Look around; find someone to help. Words can not describe what the experience will do for you. It will change you. In fact, you probably will look for more opportunities to just "be."

Dr. C. Bradley Morris is pastor of First Assembly of God in Georgetown. Reach him at PastorBrad@sccc.tv.