Last Updated on 3/17/2010

Published on 5/6/2009
Written by Charlie Walker

The world has gone to heck and back in a hand basket. I would have used another four-letter word, but if I used the other four-letter word that means heck, they never would let me in the Wal-Mart again. Today the only thing free is your imagination although if China decides to make it Wal-Mart will sell it. Imagination is all you need to write a column. Then we imagine someone will read it.

I made a New Year’s resolution that I would use a new word each week in my column. By the end of the year the readers at Cades would be saying, “Who does he think he is?”
Most historians in Greeleyville agree that “the war of the roses” was started by the great Miller, “Taste great! Less filling” debate at Cedar Swamp. They agree the first flight at Kitty Hawk lasted 120 feet and 125 seconds, but don’t agree on the name of the movie that was shown but they agree everyone had already seen it.

Hemingway Town Council is concerned about what would happen to Kraft if the moon was discovered to be made out of cheese.

Williamsburg County Council has passed an ordinance that forbids the courthouse from black widow spiders’ marriage licenses. Sam Drucker and BoBo Huggins complained about a black widow spider’s wedding. They heard the preacher say, “Do you promise to have her in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until one day she bite your head off and eats you?”

Robert Allen “Cabbage” Williamson says when he starts feeling sorry for himself, he considers Elvis Pressley’s faithful hound dog and how his faithful companion must have felt the first time he hears his master croon “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog.”

Johnson Tisdale worries about Popeye. Johnson wonders if it occurred to Popeye that Olive Oyl the female he was fighting over had a shape like a corn stick and looked like an autopsy and had a voice that made hip hop sound like Chopin.

Funeral directors in the county are thinking a discrimination suit because every funeral says something nice about deceased but no one says anything about the hole that will be the dearly departed’s final resting place.

But despite the economy the future looks bright. Sam Drucker says the day is not far off when senior citizens’ walkers will he propelled by jets, Ensure (instead of tasting like chalk) will taste like Marie Carter’s red velvet cake, Mrs. Jeanette Inman’s chocolate pie, Williamsburg County BBQ, Butterball turkey. And the can it comes in will taste like a Snickers bar.

All pills will taste like M&Ms and will cost a penny and all the nurses will look like Elizabeth Taylor did in 1960, and all the doctors will look like Brad Pitt. All nursing homes will look like gambling casinos, one-armed bandits and 24 hour a day Bingo. Medicare and Medicaid will be free. And supplemental health insurance will be a dollar a year.

Doctors and drug stores will make house calls. Botox will be free. While hair, wrinkles, and varicose veins will be banned, Medicare will pay for plastic surgery - only one nose to a customer.

Of course don’t bother about who will pay for all of this…your grandchildren will be happy to foot the bill. Like the mega dump at Nesmith, it just went away and every stood waved good-bye. It’s been good to know everyone, so happy to be rid of that albatross around our neck.

No one’s asking who will pay that $1 million it took to get out of the mega dump contract. Don’t you remember the contract county council signed with the garbage people that said if we backed out the taxpayer had to pay? When elections roll around you might remember. Those taxes you are paying for, for something you didn’t get.

There are strange things happening every day. Things that used to be black and white are now gray. Remember when being gay was considered an abomination? Now being gay means never having to say you’re sorry.

If you are gay, the media considers you a celebrity and some churches consider the alternate lifestyle as a one-way ticket to heaven. In our society half-truths have become a whole lie if you are in advertising or politics.

I won’t miss the mega dump, but I will miss the additional money I paid in taxes. Maybe next time someone offers county council a free lunch, they won’t be as anxious to sign a contract.