My favorite button on the TV remote is “mute.” Why? Because the loud commercials are deafening; and slowly but surely, that’s what I’m becoming—deaf! Really, someone ought to do something about this invasion of privacy that frays, sizzles and fries my last nerve!

Well, it looks like someone is at least trying: A few months back I read about a bill that was introduced by Congresswoman Anna Eshoo.

Her bill is called—get this: the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, ironically, nicknamed CALM, which is what none of us screamed-upon, irate viewers are.

Oh, the exception might be the companies who actually see an increase in sales from those lame commercials.

Rest assured, I’m not a fan and I’m not buying those products.

Ms. Eshoo herself claims she not only has to “dive for the mute button, but I end up having to close my windows so that the blast doesn’t affect my neighbors…in the cul-de-sac.” Obviously, she lives in a sunny, populated and trendy state.

Yep, that would be California. And hey, I know it wouldn’t be a problem, say, in Buffalo, New York in mid-winter. But still. That’s not the point. The point is she has a good one and I for one like her opinion.

As I often say, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but you’re also entitled to mine.”

There are so many things wrong with LOUD commercials I can’t even list them all.

So, here goes!

The worst offenders are car dealerships, followed closely by furniture stores, cell phone companies and then cleaning products.

The sad thing is these companies are trying to sell their product, when in reality, they are actually shooing folks away.

No one has to yell at me to tell me, via harsh, screaming language and extreme gesturing, how to get grass stains out of my son’s jeans.

That’s because I don’t have a son.

But if I did, that commercial wouldn’t change a thing for me.

And I’m not impressed with a 4-wheel, 10 ton pick-em-up truck, driver screaming, going through two feet of mud because a) I don’t drive through mud and b) I don’t want to drive anything that BIG!

It seems like cell phone companies do nothing but brag about their bigger towers, better reception and myriad of plans. As for furniture commercials, puh-leeze!

I don’t care if they do want to give me a 52” wide screen TV if I buy a living room set. Excuse me: but isn’t that the problem I’m talking about here? A loud TV?

I’ll bet one day in the future, documented medical studies will prove a direct correlation between loss of hearing and loud commercials.

As it is now, I’m sure more migraines occur—say, during the Super Bowl than any other time of year.

Not just from the commercials, but from the sports events too. In fact, golf is about the only quiet sporting event I can think of.

Thankfully, that is hub Russ’s favorite sport.

Have you ever noticed that the people who command the most attention and have the most rapt audiences are folks who speak softly and slowly?

Picture a golf tournament, for example, where the announcer says, “Would Mickelson even attempt this shot?

With the tournament on the line, you would think he would just lay it up.

But no—not Phil.

It looks like he’s going to try to pull off the shot of the year.”

And of course, the audience is mesmerized and hypnotized—not only by Phil but also by the announcer.

Now, transfer that same voice, both tone and volume, doing a TV commercial.

A woman softly says, “Have you got carpet stains? Well, hush, little baby, don’t say a word.

Just call us up at ‘Mockingbird’, cleaners, that is. Call 555-1212.” No yelling or screaming.

No demeaning or condescending language.

Now, what’s so hard about that? My gosh, I’d call her just to thank her for not screaming at me and then I’d book an appointment. And we have very little carpet here—mostly hardwood and tile.

I don’t know what we did before remotes, but I also don’t remember TV ads being that loud and obnoxious.

It’s as if the ad people think we are stupid, slow to learn, hard of hearing or all three.

IT’S TIME TO REVOLT! (See what’s happened? Even I’m yelling now!)

So, let’s support Ms. Eshoo’s CALM bill and regulate the volume on those ding-dong commercials.

Oh, and the next time that lawyer in the commercial tells me (quite heatedly) that he can help me if someone has done me wrong and then adds, “yes, it IS about the money,” I am going to throw the remote at him! But first I’ll hit “mute.”

Ann Ipock “Life Is Short, So Read This Fast!” amipock@ec.rr.com www.annipock.com