I’m back into couponing, or at least I’m trying to be. Everyone seems to be saving unheard amounts of money lately, so why not join in? Our local newspaper has even begun a syndicated column of weekly “how to’s.” Back in the 80’s I was a super-serious couponer. I kept a filled envelope when shopping and often turned in three or four at a time. I’d also fill out the printed forms and send off the required UPC codes, box tops or proofs of purchase, from selected products of one manufacturer. Then in about six to eight weeks, I’d get my little check for say, $15.00. Not enough to buy another week’s worth of groceries, but enough for a gas fill-up. For some reason, I stopped. Maybe I got lazy, apathetic or just plain busy. Plus, it was sheer drudgery, to be honest, all that searching, sorting, cutting out and checking for expiration dates—then remembering what choices I had.  

But a friend has seriously encouraged me to start again. “It’s well worth the time,” she promised me recently, after saving $5 on her nail fill-ins, and offering a 2-for-1 lunch deal with me. Although I say “cu-pon” and she says “coo-pawn” (tomato, tomatah), she does have a point. She mentioned her own coupon mentor friend who keeps a heavy three ring binder BY HER SIDE AT ALL TIMES. It’s sectioned off into every category imaginable: food, beverage, beauty, clothing, footwear, hair cuts, retail and even doggie deals. She said these system organizers can run anywhere from $5 to $40 and up! Well, y’all, I don’t mean to be a coupon snob, but isn’t that just carrying things a little too far? It would take me an entire lifetime to save $40, using coupons and therefore breaking even on the binder purchase. This mentor treats herself to lunch out every week—of course, cashing in on that particular fast food’s coupon from the Sunday newspaper—and

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goes through the entire binder, updating and organizing: If something has expired, she tosses it out. The new ones, she places inside. And the ones she hasn’t used in some arbitrary amount of time, she places in the pile “to trade.” Yep, that’s right. Folks even trade ’em, like baseball cards, but without the baseball player’s pictures, statistics, or value, for that matter. Then she closes up her 10 lb. Vera-Bradley-look-alike Coupon Boulder, I mean, Binder. But like cell phone chargers and potato salad recipes, no two are alike, so there you go: Another million dollar business built on suckers born every day.

However, none of this is working for me. Even though couponing was one of my New Year’s resolutions, I can’t seem to get the knack of it. In the nine weeks since I made this promise to myself, I’ve clipped quite a few but haven’t used a single one. Though I don’t have a three ring binder, I do have a sandwich baggie (my daughter, Kelly’s idea), where I stash them, then throw them into the deep abyss of what I call a pocketbook. From there, things just go way wrong: either I change pocketbooks and can’t find the baggie; or I have the right pocketbook, but the baggie burst, mixing the coupons in with dirty Kleenexes and ABC-gum sticky wrappers. And often as not, I pull out the wrong name brand coupon—like, Breakstone sour cream when I’m holding a carton of Daisy. One hopeless coupon experience involved $2.00 off Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I guarded this one carefully, but must have removed it and replaced it four times. Come to find out, the clincher was that you had to buy an extra large bag, and I kept picking up smaller ones. When I finally located the right size, I let out a “Yee-haa!” and the poor old man with a hearing aid beside me jumped a mile. But no, I couldn’t use it either; another “rule” prohibited this since Costco only allows their own coupons. The final straw was

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my hair coupon experience. I recently had my bangs trimmed at Hair Clips and knew this time, once and for all, the coupon was going to work, yesiree! Katie, my daughter, even plucked it off my refrigerator, and drove it to me, since I’d accidentally left it at home. After a nice trim, I pulled out the bright colored postcard that read $6.99 for a haircut. But guess what? The lady handed it back to me, saying, “Honey, save that for another day, because a bangs trim is only $5.00.” “No, please,” I begged. “You don’t understand. I NEED to use this coupon.” She raised her eyebrows, observing the shocked customers lined up by the window. Y’all, it would’ve been my first official coupon redemption this year. “But, ma’am,” she continued, “this coupon charges more than the usual trim.” “I don’t care,” I muttered, “it’s the principal of the thing.” Still, she simply could not break her policy. See? I just can’t get coupons to work for me! Well, I may not be saving money with coupons, but I’m saving $40 on a binder. If the baggie thing doesn’t work, heaven knows the binder thing won’t.

Ann Ipock “Life Is Short, So Read This Fast!” amipock@ec.rr.com.