Q. Dear Sallie,

 My husband and I are saddened by the deaths of friends and always send flowers, make a donation to the designated organization, send a card or letter, and if possible attend the funeral. There is confusion over the etiquette in which thank you notes absolutely have to be written as I learned when stationery shopping with a friend. We were discussing letters of condolence and I said I thought they required a return thank you note.

Not long after that my husband and I attended a funeral where it was announced from the pulpit that so many people had been so kind and so much was received that it would be impossible for the family to thank them all,  so NO thank you notes would be sent to anyone. I don't expect a note for going to a funeral, but I'd like your opinion of such an announcement. I'm sure I heard every word correctly.

 Please try to devote a space to correct manners for the family of the deceased. This is a global matter of etiquette that many seem not to understand.

 Thanks so much for your column.

 Senior Citizens, Asheville, N.C.

A. Dear Senior Citizens,

Oh, my. The late Mrs. Etiquette surely sat up in her coffin when she heard those appalling words! They say to folks who took the time and money to send memorial gifts, flowers, food, and handwritten notes that their friendship is not worth the two minutes it takes to write a note of appreciation.

 In her last remaining months on this earth, Mrs. Etiquette recognized a significant drop in people's expressions of appreciation. She tugged sorrowfully at her last few remaining gray hairs and said to me, “Writing thank you notes is an honor.”

This honor can be split up over days, even months, and can be shared by family members.

Thank you notes are written to those who make gifts in memory of the departed. They are written to people who send flowers, food, or gifts of any kind. They are written to anyone who helps with any part of the "arrangements" (answering the telephone, staying at the house while everyone is at the service, organizing catering, keeping track of who brings what, etc....). They are sent to people who send letters or notes. Pretty much the only people you don't send thank you notes to are those who come to the visitation and the services and who send printed cards with no hand-written message.

I hope this clears things up. Thank you for an excellent question.

Sincerely,

Sallie

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